I've struggled with whether or not to add a blog to this website. I've struggled with this website, period. My Asshole Inner Critic has been on my case HARD about this for three solid years now. THREE YEARS. I've always known he was there, lurking in the shadows, judging my every thought, every move, every minor consideration - he was always there, this large, dark shadowy figure dancing and jeering just outside my periphery. But I couldn't actually SEE him. He was just... there. All stalker-like and judge-y. A creeper in the woods.
Through an amazing moment of serendipty (which I'm certain now was never serendipity at all) I've been working with the amazing Lael Cooper Jepson at SheChanges. Lael helps women create conscious transitions by honoring their instincts and intentions. She instantly diagnosed me as creatively constipated, and launched into action to help me focus my scatterbrain and get my own thumb out of my ass. After some major minor pre-work, we tackled this spooky mo-fo head-on. Lael pushed and prodded... and pulled and pushed some more, trying to get me to humanize this... this THING that was so goddamn stealthy and slippery I could never get more than a glimpse of a blackish blur. The dude was slick - and he was smart. He outmaneuvered me at every turn. He knew I was onto him.
And then suddenly... after questions and more questions and OHMYGODLAEL - the questions!... the lightbulb went on. BOOM. Finally. There he stood, fully illuminated in all his creepy, crusty, Carpathian glory. My nemesis had a face. And a name.
Allow me to introduce you to Vigo - my Asshole Inner Critic.
Thanks to Lael, I am now in the process of actively breaking up with my feisty Carpathian nightmare. Partly because he's creepy as shit, but mostly because I don't need him anymore. Not all the time, anyway. He's impeding progress, and while he's definitely somebody you'd want on YOUR side (and not the opposing one), he's really not the nicest guy. Lael instructed me to come up with a phrase to send him packing back to his spooky old Carpathian haunts when I sense him lingering... so when he shows himself nowadays (and he does), I imagine him dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire. And then I say - out loud -
Viggy, Viggy, Viggy, you have been a bad monkey! Toodle-oo, Motherfucker!
Because it's really hard to take him seriously dressed as a man dressed as a woman brandishing a vacuum.
Ditching old Viggy here and his Carpathian Scowl of Contempt is why this website is actually getting done. It's been a Sisyphean effort, but I'm fighting my way through it - with lots of help. One thing I'm learning is to trust your struggle. Oh, the struggles are real. Putting on pants in the morning is a struggle. Making the coffee without first having the coffee is a struggle. But those aren't the struggles I'm talking about. You know the ones. The ones you can't quite put a finger on. The ones that are either shapeless vapors flitting about in your periphery, side-stepping you and slipping behind the veil of invisibility before you even know they're there - or the seriously gigantic elephant standing nose-to-nose with you that you don't see (SERIOUSLYHOWCANYOUNOTSEEIT) because you choose not to. THOSE struggles. Trust those. Because somewhere inside that riddle wrapped in a mystery inside that big, fat fucking enigma is a lesson you need to learn. Once you're ready to learn it, shit's going to change. And change in a hurry. It's all part of a wiser process that's happening behind the scenes in the dark, cavernous recesses of your mind.
Trust your struggle. The struggle may be real, but the struggle is YOURS. You own it. And that means YOU have the answer. It's in there. Sometimes it just takes a little pushing and pulling and prodding by someone who isn't so much invested in your struggle as in helping you bushwhack your way through that nasty, sunless jungle of fear and bullshit that you've so carefully cultivated. Someone who can give you a fresh perspective on where you've been, where you're at, and where you're headed. And then kicks you squarely in the ass to get going.
Be patient - but persistent. Be unshakable. The clearing is just up ahead. And bring your sunscreen - it's gonna be a beautiful day.
Thank you, Lael, for being my ass-kicker. Ride Sally, Ride.